Please help. ???

Dear Friends,

I’m writing to ask for prayer. In asking, I can honestly say I am a bit fearful. I’m fearful that once I tell you, you may turn away and think it is unimaginable that I don’t know what to do, that the answer is simple and I am heartless. If you don’t turn and run, I’m willing and open to anything I cannot see that you might have to offer.

A little bit of back-story…On February 2, 2008, Roy (my husband) kicked Nick out of our home. Earlier that year Nick had been defiant and told us as soon as he turned 18 he was moving out with his friend, Taylor. In the end, Taylor backed out, but Roy insisted he move—so he did, and eventually Nick, Taylor, and another friend all shared an apartment. There were living in Fresno, but they lost the apartment due to noise and everyone moved back to their parents—including Nick. Which was fine with me, obviously, for so many reasons, especially since I was afraid of Nick being on his own so young.

Roy’s stipulation was that since he didn’t want Nick back home to begin with that he had to meet his expectations. For the most part (though not all) Nick did try to meet his expectations, but Roy rode him hard. I hated being around Roy when Nick was home. As you can probably imagine, we’ve fought over Nick more than any other thing in our marriage. After only a few weeks, an argument occurred that I didn’t hear since I was outside. Nick came outside crying (which he NEVER does) and told me Roy told him he needed to leave. Roy and I fought like you cannot imagine. Nick, however, found a place close by and I thought (and still do) that it was for his best.

What is happening now is that the people Nick is living with are moving and Nick will be homeless. He’s asked to come here and Roy said no. The bottom line for me is that I feel like if I don’t leave Roy in order to protect Nick, then I’m abandoning him. Though I don’t have anywhere to go either, it doesn’t seem right to tell Nick to make it on his own.

If I leave, then what about my other two children who think their dad is awesome—and to them, he is. I don’t see any other options except to leave and provide for Nick or to stay and pretend everything is fine.

I had a conversation today with one of the probation officer’s I work with who is a Christian. (He asked about Nick and though I normally don’t open up about that kind of stuff, he caught me off guard and out it came.) He said that, though it may be tough, he thinks Nick needs to figure this out on his own and as a mom I don’t want to create a revolving door. (Our conversation was almost 20 minutes long, so I’m condensing.) It is also frustrating because there are things Nick could have done that he didn’t, like looking for another or better job. As with a lot of things, until his back is against the wall, he doesn’t move. So, am I contributing to that?

On the other hand, I’m doing Lesson 8 and I cannot possibly have a clear conscious before God or Nick by abandoning him. To be honest, I don’t even know what I’ll do! But, something seems better than nothing.

To make this even harder, my husband is the main carrier of health insurance for our family. Last week I went to the doctor and was told to have a cyst inside my cheek removed and biopsied. For no good reason other than curiosity, I looked up primary dermal melanoma on the Internet—something I haven’t done since finding out I had cancer. (Even though most of it is good, it is still a downer and I can live without the reality, kwim?) Only two people have died of this “new” form of cancer from our little group; however, of the two that have (one being only 21—at least I’m old), the other died after it reoccurred in his cheek (and obviously spread). I’m being a drama queen I guess, but what then? What if it’s bad news? What if it’s nothing? I have a consultation tomorrow and will probably have it removed by next week, but by then Nick will be out of a home. He does have a place to go to but it isn’t permanent, or maybe it is—he’s not sure. It makes me sick to think he’s alone. I’m so torn. On one hand, Roy and I have been getting along great, and on the other, I hate him for what he’s doing. He came home tonight with a gift card to Starbuck’s for me and I’m just feeling so “whatever” towards him. Blah.

Well, I hope I still can call you guys friends.

Oh Jenn, that just brings tears to my eyes. You are NOT heartless. Of course you are torn. If I was in your position, I'd be torn, too. Your child is your child. Period. Of course you want to protect him and help him in any way you can. Can you help him financially get a place of his own until he can find a job or get a better job? Is he going to school? How old is he?

You've talked a little about Roy and his controlling nature. Is the situation with Nick maybe the push (or excuse/reason, etc.) to leave him? If you did, chances are he'd still have to provide for your health insurance, right? At least for a while.

And what a scary thing with your cheek. What happened at the doc?

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. It seems like the way of the world right now. What can I do for you? I have a couch and a futon bed...

I love you and will be praying hard for you.

Jenn,

I'm so sorry. When it rains it pours. I've been thinking about all that you wrote..and honestly it's been hard for me to find the perfect answer. I will say that I had the same thoughts as Moni. It also wouldn't hurt to maybe talk and pray with a pastor at the church. Both you and Roy. I know there's always one on call. Other than that, my advice is to lay this at the our Lord's feet. He knows what's best for you and your family. Pray for His will. Finally, be encouraged by His word.

The Lord watches over all who love Him. Psalm 145:20
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted... Psalm 34:18
In my distress I cried to the Lord, and He heard me. Psalm 120:1
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. Psalm 55:22
For we walk by faith, not sight 2 Corinthians 5:7
May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace as you trust in Him. Romans 15:13
Cast all you cares on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
You, Lord have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:10
The peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your heart and mind. Philippians 4:7
He gives strength to those who are weary. Isaiah 40:29
He comforts us when we are in trouble, so that we can share that same comfort with others. 2 Corinthians 1:4
You are my fortress, my place of safety; you are my God, and I trust you. Psalm 91:2

Your in my prayers, Love you

Ugh Jenn, I am sorry I missed reading this from you and the urgency of what you were feeling and handling at that time. When I try and imagine Garrett at 18 and he and Vic in a stand off, I instintively know what that must feel like for you. Hey, we've had our own issues already and G is only 8 years old! It is hard to not be momma bear 24/7 and forever and always. You are in a no win situation in many ways. If you care for one, the other isn't happy and vise versa. It's just terrible to be middle woman. I feel for you and the arguments you had to have over the situation with Nick. That must have been horrible. Don't you sometimes feel it's a kind of jealous competition with our mens? And, all we want is for everyone to be happy and taken care of?!

I remember my mother kicking me out! I wasn't doing the things she expected and she too, gave me a time line (enter Moni..and my first apartment! ;)...) and I had to be OUT, work and pay my bills. If I had remained in college she'd have floated me longer. I understood then and I understand now.. even tho I called her a "bitch" back them. LOL! It is natural to have expectations of our children and consequences that follow if they don't meet them. You know the saying, "it's MY house!" wink... You know your son very well and you said if his back is up against the wall, he will make a change. He won't be homeless- you won't let that happen. But, maybe he needs to feel the pressure to make his own arrangments and or changes (work life, et..) that will aid him to be responsible for himself and in becoming a man (both offer him a sense of pride and accomplishment- which you want!). He's not a babe, even tho he'll always be yours. Know what I mean? You can't leave your mate sister. You said, he and you have been getting along well except for this (which is big) and your lil' peeps adore their dada and need him. They're little, Nick is of adult age. But, the strain this has caused is great and I hope you and your husband look at that. I feel defensive for YOU in that your hub doesn't sound like he understands that Nick is a part of you and that if he loves you and wants to love you well..he will take care to tread lightly in matters close to your heart!

I sure hope I'm not sounding removed here as I would be stuggling as much as you if in the same position and I would be fighting like mad and acting like a crazy person for sure! I'm glad you opened up to the probation officer. He sounds like he is wise and must have experience to pull from. It good to hear a man's perspective also because as women we can get side ways when it comes to our children.

Well girl, I'm guessing this comes to you a little too late? In a way, I hope so and that things are in a much better place for you and yours.

Much love