A little advice I'm needing...

Hi Womens...

I'm needing some advice...I phoned Steiner, but ain't got no answer...

Here goes...

I had a girlfriend for the past 14 years...long, long, story but basically in those years we never had a disagreement...then she began having an affair...Once I found out (she kept it from me) I didn't agree with it, we spoke about that, and in the end, we agreed to disagree...wellllll, the guy she was cheating with is a LOSER with a criminal past...I tried to warn her, but she wasn't having it...Our friendship ended 7 months ago because this convict was starting to mess with my life, had a heyday turning my girlfriend onto "his cause", and I refused to have his cons effect my life... BUT MOST importantly, I was against exposing him to my children...he is on parole for repeatedly beating his X-girlfriend, has a documented history of beating women, including his own 62 year old mother (twice)...he spent 7 years in a state prison and was released just a few months before my girlfreind met him.
Ok gals this guy is good...he had me believing some far fetched crap that I should have known better not to believe...Christine called him out right off the bat...

I walked away from my friendship without bitter words. That final phone conversation, I simply explained that I love her, reminded her that I would and have never interfered in her relationship(s), but I have children to think about and this guy is toxic... I explained that as long as this guy is in her life, I could not have her in mine...she hung up without question or reaction, and I haven't spoken to her since...this decision was not something I took lightly...simply put, I felt THAT strongly about how dangerous this guy is.
She has since left her husband and is now living with this guy...talking marriage and forever...she has no car, no job, and is right where he wants her...totally isolated.

Soooo, So here's the hard part. Last week her X called me. Seems my girlfriend took their baby boy and refuses to return him...Girls this man has spent MORE time with the baby then my girlfriend herself...the baby was only seeing his mom every other weekend...they had no order, no custody arrangement was needed since they seemed to agree on raising the baby...until 2 weeks ago when my girlfriend came to pick up her son, and then refused to return him...also refusing the dad to see him period. He pleaded with me to help him...after hearing everything, I told him about conmans past...well since then he has pulled up all the court docs, retained an attorney, and a PI...Seriously the file on Conman is about four inches thick...all violent attacks on various women. Some stuuf in those documents even surprised me...

Sooo daddy has asked me to write a letter to the courts...just explaining that daddy is in fact a good daddy...that he had his son more often then mommy...that mommy knew about this guys violent history and refused to protect her children...oh and the father of her first two children is also filing on Monday for emergency temporary custody...I just don't know if I want to get involved to that extent. I will never be friends with her again, but at the same time, do not wish anything horrible to happen to her emotionally concerning me. I do believe those children should be removed from conmans reins, but...with all the evidence, I just don't think my letter is going to effect the judge...but it will effect her. I have nothing to hide from her as far as spilling the beans to her X because I beleive he needed to protect his son...but is writing the letter just complete betrayal? Reguardless of how she treated me, this is about my treatment of others...KWIM?

Do you all think a letter from me would aid daddy's battle in the courts, with all the stuff he has on this guy already??

HELP!!!

Hey Shel. What a horrible situation.
Here's my 2 cents worth: Whatever you can do to protect the babies (or is it just the one?), you HAVE to do it. Your ex-friend is not thinking. If this guy has been in the pokey for beating his women, including his own mother (!), then what's to stop him from doing that to a child??
You are so right about not wanting that toxic conman around your own family! Good for you for making the hard choice there!
IF your ex-friend ever comes to her senses, then she should THANK you for keeping her children safe when she couldn't. And, if it drives a further wedge between you, then that's HER problem. You can have peace becuz you did the right thing. The children are more important that your friendship with this crazazy lady. They are defenseless. She is a grown woman making her own choices - which are TOTALLY wrong.

OK, I'll get off my soap box now. But I'll keep you and those babies in my prayers!

Shel, I know you are loyal and pride yourself on being that kind of friend so I understand how this would break with some of the ol' love and loyalty you had w/your good girlfriend. That you don't want to hurt her is a show of that now. You also have a sense of strength and standing for justice which is evident in your decision to be completely honest w/her regarding her choice to leave her spouse and give her heart to someone so dangerous and undeserving. It must have been very sad and hard to let her go. But you did and she did and you say that you'll never be friends again. With the path she's chosen, it's for the best as I'm certain you are sure of. Regarding the letter the daddy wants for you to write for him.. If you two (you and girlfriend) were to talk today; would you say to her; "the child's father is a good one and in that you have made choices I disagree with for your wellbeing, I also believe that to be true for your beautiful child's wellbeing if he/she's to stay with you". If you would say that to her then it's no different saying it in a letter. Within your hearts love for her and her family; I believe it expresses itself if even opposing in appearance. Gain strength by imagining the child right now. Even tho he's with his mom, this is a big change for him. He must be sad, confused and insecure. She's using him as a pon. That is sick in itself because her boy is the one suffering along with his father. This con-man in her life is probably scary to the boy. You know already what you want to do. I know you do. You should do that thing. In my never so humble opinion! wink... Besides, chickie...you've moved on to better days and betta friends...SEE! You're a strong woman and there's no more of a fall out than that of what has already happened with your friend. If this letter will help this man (dad) and you know the boy? belongs there...then....




I want to try to share this but in a nutshell..I'll try! One of my best girlfriends from here has a daughter, Melisa. She and Mel became estranged. Mel had moved out but had little contact w/her mom. She met a ass of a boy...churched, used to use drugs, a bad boy w/an attitude. They "fell in love" and shortly thereafter; she moved out from roommates, stopped hanging with her girlfriends, set limits (don't call me at this number..he doesn't want me to give out my cell number") et...basically became isolated. She, they become pregnant (unwedded)...he somehow moves her outta state to Utah even. She isn't speaking w/any of her family nor friends. She made many excuses: the boy thought her mom reminded him of his aunt who apparantly did drugs and hurt him as a boy..so no access there... the friends were told, "he didn't like that you offered wine at dinner...we are Christians and won't drink, think you shouldn't either" ..yes, some of this was under religious conviction! Here's the end to this story: b/f moving to Utah..Mel desparate (wearing old clothes, no make up anymore, scraping by with him and pregnant..was the only one carrying a job which was not for long) began to "get" to talk to her mom with the boy's permission. This only because my friend would buy them hamburgers and pick her daughter up to go to Babies R' Us to buy her gifts, et... She had to offer something in order to be in his good graces. So, for a month or two this went on but only on a few occasions. My friend was soooo happy just to have a little bit of time with her girl that she didn't care by what means, being used or not. Plus, she was so very excited to think she may get to be a grandma to this grandbaby coming-- a dream come true to her. Even tho she hated this boyfriend who by the way; even cussed at her on the phone and was a total psycho. Still, she'd be in their life to have access to Mel and the baby. So... Mel moves to Utah, has the baby, and the boyfriend beats on her. She called her dad (after not speaking to him in over a year!)..he flies out to get her, gets his baby girl and brings her and his new grand-daughter back home. Guess what tho girls. My very close friend, Donna died before that baby was born...she never got to see her baby and her babies baby or know that Mel is back home away from this boy and is alright. I guess what I want to say is; never ever as I watched Mel grow from a girl to a young woman did I think she would fall victim to this kind of relationship. Nor did I ever imagine my friend to die as she did and not be the grandma she was born to be to her grand-daughter. The sickness and stress and negative outcomes trickle down to every person who loves you when you have a good woman who wants a bad man. I'm sad that as women we allow ourselves to stay in harmful, bad relationships. It's affect is far-reaching as Shel can attest now and I can say is my heartache for a beloved and dearly missed friend.

Hi Shel. What a tough spot to be in. Thinking about how I'd feel if I were in your shoes makes me want to kick those suckers right off! I'd have to say ditto on the above responses, though.

I don't really know how the family court system works, but if you'd be more comfortable w/o your friend knowing, you could send the judge a confidential letter. Don't quote me, but a character witness statement can be kept confidential if requested. ??? It's just a thought.

Well my honeys...

I prayed and prayed and prayed...and didn't a wink last night...seriously, I had so much energy I actually went over everything I'd eaten thinking something must have been "spiked"...so about 4am I turned on the tube and watched a bit of the news...EVERYTHING on the news at that hour had something to do with spousal abuse or child abuse...I even changed the channel several times...by 7:00 am the message God was sending me was loud and clear!!!



So without hesitation I wrote a letter. I kept it very simple, factual, and focused on Jimmy's parenting...only with the opening sentence, did I mention knowing both parents personally...otherwise I let the judge know exactly what I have seen concerning Jimmy, never again mentioning Brandi...I explained that I wouldn't hesistate to leave my children in his care...I explained past times I have done so...I told of his consistencys of home, day care provider, and daily activities.

Today I gave Jimmy this letter, and he was thrilled...he never expected me to run Brandi through the ringer, he just wanted a witness to his own experiences as a law abiding parent.

I have complete clearity that whatever happens from here, I did the right thing. This is not about the parents...rather then that sweet little prince who deserves to be safe with a parent who will guard that responsibilty with their life...I know that if my letter has an impact, then I will never see little Matty on TV at 4am some sleepless night in my future.

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Court...your story is heartbreaking, and unfortunately oh so common...I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but you can bet she knows her daughter is safe and has been able to give that baby a little love now and then!
Hummm...you're knowing me pretty darn good girl...wink, wink!

Moni and Jenn...thank you soooo muchas for being part of the wingspan that helped me fly through this experience gracefully!!!!

I just don't understand parents who can't put their child first. Oooo, here I am being critical again!
I think it's awesome that the dad is fighting for his child.
Keep us posted on the outcome.

Yep, knew you'd come to that--wink. You are so right but sorry you had a sleepless night over it. It felt big I'm sure..she was a big, big bud to you at one time. I'm sure this time in God's word through the study has your back in a way..meaning, we feel pretty right on and tight wit the big man and that helps when the rubber mets the road. I hope things get better for the people involved and I will pray for the best outcome for the little guy.